MEET PANDO: NOT JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE

Dear friends,
This lovely gent is my twin cousin, Pando, an international correspondent for NPR (NoPigsleft to Rescue) or something...they shared an office with NPR in Philadelphia and one day he was to be interviewed by the indomitable Terry Gross, who we consider the finest interviewer in the world, NOBODY SHAKES UP TERRY GROSS, NOBODY!

Usually, Terry interviews her subjects by phone. But since they share office space, her interview with Pando was in person. Terry showed up, sharp as a tack, unflappable, ready to hit Pando with some tough issues facing guinea pigs in the world today, controversial questions she hoped would reduce him to helpless stammering. On Air!

Pando took his seat opposite Terry and, with 30 seconds before air time, casually turned around, plucked a fresh, moist poo from his bottom, and began sucking on it loudly in front of her. With 12 seconds left, he swallowed the poo with a satisfied grunt, then gave Terry a "READY TO RUMBLE?" look.

Terry gagged, started having dry heaves, then, let's just say what she did next short-circuited the soundboard she sat poised in front of.

He remains the only interviewee ever to drop a "shock and awe poo-bomb" ruining Terry's composure only seconds before a live interview.  NPR  pulled out an archived talk with Quentin Tarantino while Terry regained her composure and changed into clean clothes before returning to her now spoiled, stinky soundboard.

Pando leaned back and said, "I've got just one word for you, doll, just one word: COPROPHAGY. Do it all the time, look it up, smartypants."

Pando has been transferred to an obscure hamlet in the British Isles where he was to report on conditions for cavies "Across the Pond" in his commentary entitled "Across the Pond."  Unfortunately, he and Dylan Moran met in a pub (we'll definitely save THAT story for later) and have been best mates ever since, which cannot be a good thing.

Nonetheless, we will publish Pando's salty commentaries and even give up space for Dylan,  the human equivalent of Pando (have you seen the guy's HAIR?!) in future postings.  So, that's all for now.  We never know exactly where Pando is or what he's up to.  And that's a good thing.