VET TALK, AGAIN? SERIOUSLY!

Well, she at it again! Fortunately, it Saturday and the vet closed or we would be there by now even though she barely able to get her own carcass out of bed! She thinks I had a seizure or "neurological event" and now that woman got tears in her eyes...such THEATRICS!

True, she was sitting, comatose, in her big blue, stuffed chair and heard a large THUD! from the bedroom. Usually, it means either one of the Mahals or Coconut has somehow managed to knock a water bottle out of its holder, no easy task...not this time.

It was me and it frightened mom. I was standing up on my hind legs with my front feet HIGH on my bars staring into the Mahals' cage, unmoving. She had recently trimmed my toenails so knew I hadn't gotten stuck because of that but I didn't move when she came in, didn't even blink. She thought I looked frozen! I was stiff, in shock, havin' a seizure, a stroke, such a vivid imagination, that one!
Mom pried the bars outta my stiff toes, still without any movement, then held me against her, and I finally began to move...she then placed me in Calvin's special blanket in his special kitty bed and gave me a piece of the banana she was mushing up for a meal...and found out the vet closed and she could only contact them online...knowing that the emergency vets "on call" only do more harm to guinea pigs because small "exotics" require VERY, VERY different care than cats and dogs, donkeys, and goats. So, there is no one who can help, and even the vet up North closed at three and she not well enough to drive that far today. Nobody till Monday.

So, now she carrying me around like a Baby Bunting and I feel so lousy I don't even mind. Her and me today, looks like...and her stupis crying. She trying not to by...well, she betta try HARDER!

But, since I AM THE CHIEF ALPHA PIG, BLOG EDITOR, AND ONLY REMAINING ORIGINAL PIGULA FROM THE "ART FARM GUINEA PIG NATION" back on the Wildlife Refuge, I have made provisions for the possibility that she might freak her freak.

Yes, inspired by Duke Donald and the Hooligans, this HooliPig been up to some o'my very own shenanigans! Must teach herd while able. This week outDID MYSELF, seriously, some epic WRONG-DOING on my part and could I BE any prouder? Methinks NOT! Read on, to see how, even in the (only "Possible" remember!) Twilight of my years, I remain UNEQUALLED AS A
HOOLI-PIG-PIRATE!

Psssssssst! Hear What Mom Did?!

Raj: "Taj, STEP AWAY FROM MY CARROT TOP! You may look like piece of chocolate with feet, but this MINE!"

Taj: "Raj, what if I made it worth your time to share your carrot top with me?"

Raj: "How?"

Taj: "Juicy gossip about mom!"

Raj: "Just HOW juicy?"

Taj: "Carrot-worthy, I assure you, and I am nothing if not a HooliPIG of my Word!"

Raj (rodents are easily overcome by curiosity!) "O.K. BUT THIS BETTA BE GOOD!"

Taj: "Oh, it is! You know how when mom starts getting sick, she does impulsive things she has no memory of while things she OUGHT to be doing, like washing the dishes, go undone?"

Raj: "Go on..."

Taj: "So, check THIS OUT! She made it to the Post Office a few times this week since she was going to the art gallery anyway..."

Raj: "Proceed..."

Taj: "And she brings home stuff...weird stuff! Stuff she don't know who order it, or when, or why!"

Raj: "Like what?"

Taj: "Oh man! The first thing she received was a DVD entitled, actually, this deserves a piece of the carrot, Raj, it THAT FINE!"

Raj: "Only a little bite until I hear the whole thing...WATCH IT! Betta be great intel!"

Taj: "So she brings home a little box and opens it AND IT A DVD - OH, I IZ KEELING MYSELF STILL LAUGHING, a DVD entitled: "How To Look Great Naked!" I SWEAR!

Raj: "Oh, that worth a whole bite of carrot...HERE, tell more!"

Taj: "So she really freaked out and tried to donate it - to all places - the Assistance League Thrift shop but them a lot of... shall we say... older gentlewomen...AND THEY DOESN'T WANT IT, EITHER!"

Raj: "What happened to it?"

Taj: "Who knows? But now the company keep sending mom a bill for "How to Look Great NAKED!" and she saying she didn't order that cuz guinea pigs don't care how she look - "

Raj: "Well, sometimes we might care...I mean, there's only so much room to hide our eyes in a cuddle-cup to keep from turning into a pillar of salt when she gettin' dressed, y'know! What else ya got?"

Taj: "Next thing, she bring home another little box from the Post Office..."

Raj: "This is getting good! What it?"

Taj: "The CD soundtrack from "Flashdance" and she, like: "HUH?! Who sent me this? Why somebody sending me things like this?"

Raj: "Well? Who doin' it?"

Taj: "How much it worth to ya?"

Raj: "Fine, another bite of the carrot and carrot-top appetizers."

Taj: "Deal! Who knows who doin' it? MOM, WE THINK! SHE BUY STUFF IN HER SLEEP!"

Raj: "Anything else?"

Taj: "Yeah, on Thursday she received her first copy of - are you ready for this? -
"Better Homes and Gardens" magazine along with an invoice for the subscription!"

WAH! (All HooliPIGZ within earshot drop on the floor of their cages hysterical, doing barrel-rolls, popcorning, laughing so hard! BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS?! THIS PLACE NEEDS A HAZ-MAT TEAM. AND THEY WOULD CONDEMN  IT IN A MINUTE!

Calvin squealed: "IN A NANO-SECOND!"

Raj and Taj: "Calvin, you don't have to show off, but it TRUE!
"BETTER TRASH AND MORE TRASH" or "Gardening for Flies and
Beautiful Bottom-Feeding Carp Pond!" Now THAT I could see!
But, Better Homes and Gardens?! OMG! Like THAT GONNA HELP! 
Piggies unite in maniacal laughter! 
Yet YumYum only looks on, quietly...hmmmm...



Taj: "Well, it been going on this whole week, from the "How to Look Good Naked" DVD to a subscription of "Better Homes and Gardens" and how to coax squadrons of flies OUT DIS SO-NOT-BETTER HOME,  while dancing to "She's a Maniac, Maniac..." from Flashdance! What a week, when mom gets sick, everything goes all CHAOTIC/EXOTIC/QUIXOTIC for us here: EPIC OFF THE CHARTS OF MADNESS!

Calvin: "Shouldn't somebody protect her from herself?"

Taj: "Oh, that what her MOD friends iz s'posed to do!"

Raj: "I rate their efforts: EPIC FAIL!"

Taj: "Don't be so hard on them MODS,  they lurves her, but only so much a MOD
can do besides laugh!" They ain't got SuperbPowers!

And all the guinea pigs laughed while mom dreamt her HoolipigZ were nominating
her for awards and cash prizes on beautiful sunny days in Paradise where she could wear a bikini and look really hot while dancing to..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
YumYum: "Mu-ah-Ha-HAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! DIS HERE da work of a HooliPIG-Pirate still at the TOP O'HIS GAME!" Who loves ya, baby?
"She's a mani-AC, MAIN-I-AC..."