Panda's First Smile

Panda's First Smile
PandaPig's First Smile!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Just awhile ago I cheerfully decided to put Raj on my lap
and brush him, the way I did the night he died.
Except I forgot he died.
I thought of perfecting the coronet on the crown of
his head because he always wanted it to be perfect
for Fairy, and how we trimmed his "tail feathers"
for her and how much he loved flattening his back
so I could comb it softly, slowly, gently, like a 
massage and make him beautiful. And how much
attention we paid to the details of his dew lap (double chin)
to make his two-toned lower lip stand out, as he was
most proud of it! I was in the midst of planning
For we did this before tucking him in.
Next to me.
Under the covers,
that  night.
I remembered.
Stumbled and fell.
Crumbled and yelled.
Into my hands.
Covered in tears.
And cannot put myself together again.

Piles of papers with deadlines scattered.
The inspection has, at least, been postponed.
Social workers are calling: why haven't I sent
the papers back?
Why haven't I gotten my guinea pigs back?
I'm out of the hospital now,
where have they gone? 
A friend I emailed to warn that I might
sound a little crazy for awhile
said that he had two mentally ill
relatives in his family and he did
not need this so I was never to
write him again ever. He never
asked why...I felt crazy.
Because I was going to brush Raj...
And I forgot.

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  1. Believe it, or not... I've done something similar after losing my dogs. You just expect them to BE THERE. I took me a while to accept the fact that they weren't.

  2. Raj was such a handsome boy, &reading this made me cry for him again. I forgot like this once. I picked up my dogs leash & called to her, & then remembered she was gone. Much love to you, my friend.

    our little friends are there .....
    for a long while .... after ....
    always and ever.

    one day you will gladly think about your RAJ.
    but ... at the moment .... it's only sad.
    and it hurts so much .....
    I know that 'feeling' only too well.

    LOVE and HUGS from bavaria ...
    again and again.

  4. thank you was a shock and -
    lovely Alison from The Guinea Pig Magazine
    wisely counseled me to eat, drink, and take
    care of the survivors. that was three things.
    that was all i could do. so now it is bedtime.
    but i wake myself up at night talking to them
    in my you do that?
    and i am SO SORRY YOU UNDERSTAND! your love
    support and comfort is healing me but knowing
    the source of it is having been through it
    yourselves includes your own losses in my own
    tears...the tears are for all of our near and
    dear ones whose memories will never be forgotten.
    thank you.

  5. And we cry with you and wish with all our hearts we could take all the pain away - it DOES keep hitting and it hurts . . . time and time again. Some days will be easier than others . . . some days you are allowed to have a good cry! Then . . . other days you find that wonderful smile of yours . . . and give those 3 lovely meeris a cuddle and life goes on . . . the pain lessens but you never forget - WE never forget with you.

    Sending lots of love, good night and sleep tight xxxxx

  6. I will always remember the image of you and the fly in your coffee...Bless you and keep you, SkatrPie !!

  7. I will always remember the image of the fly in your coffee and the grief it caused you, SkatrPie *chuckle* LURVES YA!!! *G* You are a great soul...