Panda's First Smile

Panda's First Smile
PandaPig's First Smile!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Meet "Bhindi" the newest member of our herd. In India, Bhindi is
the red dot worn primarily by married women between their eyes.
But it also signifies the place where one can go into deep meditation and is regarded as the meeting place between life and death...a holy place where saints can come and go at will...I hoped
Raj would not want to die and Bhindi's name would be enough.
At least he's a happy lad, just look at that smile! Not everything
has to be serious and Bhindi and VinnyGuinea sure aren't!

Still, today Bhindi knew he came in with an important job to do:
give Raj love, smiles, playfulness, and hope: a reason to live again.
He really did his best, too! He is asking "Mom, why isn't this working? I don't seem to be enough?
I assured him he was quite enough, that Raj was just worn out by grief and Bhindi's playful joy was no less lovely for it.

Bhindi continued trying! He did everything he could think of
to connect with the holes in Raj's heart: he made such heroic
efforts, knowing completely from the "get-go" why he had been
brought into our household, taking his mission seriously and
giving it 100% then more! "Raj? Raj? I love you, Raj, do you
love me? Can you love me?" he seemed to ask. Perhaps Raj
wasn't ready to love and lose again...Either way, Bhindi knew
his part and carried it out heart and soul. But, to no avail.

"Mom...he's not listening...he's already gone...his body is alive but
he is no longer in it...what is happening? How can I help? Please
tell me? I tried? Now what? Mom, now what?"

Mom, they say you are going into the woods on a mountain,
smear mud on your face with tears, and howl like a wolf...
I have only been here two hours and already feel the pain...
but I am a cheerful lad and wonder if you'd let me go into
that other cage for they sound like they're having a lot
of fun and I could use some right about now.

And so, on Valentines Day, Bhindi did his best, then moved in
with YumYum and VinnyGuinea who, with much chattering and chasing
and circling and jockeying for position,
did accept him,
and the three of them are happy together.

I brought Raj to bed for his carrot juice but he 
crawled off my lap, onto the bed and kept crawling...
I asked where he wanted to go and he asked to be
placed on the floor. I gave him that. He walked to
my night stand, a place he and Taj used to play
hide-and-seek with stolen lettuce leaves, a place
where he can still smell his brother...a dark
place where he can die alone remembering
the times he spent with his beloved brother.

And as terrified as I am of having to pull
his stiff, cold body out from beneath that place,
it's the least I can give him.

My new social worker is coming here in the
morning and I have already warned her
what I will be like when she arrives, not
to mention what the apartment will look like.
So I won't be alone.
But I will be curled up into a pillow sobbing
and she will have to write everything down
for all I will remember is the grief I feel no longer
able to forget.
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  1. Chana,
    Shutting down for the nite and wanted (needed) to say I'm still here for you; my thoughts and prayers are flowing your way. Stay strong and know that you and your little ones are so loved. Take care, Lucy(silent MOD troy,ohio)

    1. Lucy, you are silent no more, your compassion, caring, reaching out, and LOVE speak volumes, many have mentioned you and commented on how special you are and how fortunate all of us are to have you...silent: NOT, my dear, not any more, to the benefit of us all. My gracious thanks, Lucy. From the depths of my heart, many gracious thanks for "being there for me" always, for so long, modest, humble, but your silence could move mountains in its power to heal, Lucy. You inspire us all.

  2. I am here for you also. I am praying & sending all the energy I can, to help you all through this. You and your babies are so loved.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Ms A I appreciate this comment as it was totally appropriate and you always "have my back" even when I don't have my front.
      Thank you.

  4. Ms. A, they probably can, I just haven't got the physical strength
    to scrub and scrub and cannot boil things on my stove because of the falling so I replace things when too weak to make them safe but will remove that portion of the blog. You have no idea how ill I am and fragile physically without the extra burden. It can be done, just not by me and not now. but i will take that off.

  5. without any other words .....

  6. Ditto what Ingrid said . . . there hasn't been a moment today when I haven't been thinking about you. Sending our love. We'd send the moon and the stars if we could . . . . xxxxx

  7. To each and every one of you, Silent Prayer of Gratitude...please listen for it in the deepest recesses of your hearts and in the smiles of your own guinea pigs. I love and need all of you, so much! We all do right now. And know you are here for us...