YO! Meet "LJ-CoolJ" Our New Jersey Santa!

Lil'LJ-Cool-J from New Jersey heah...yeah,

that's right, y'all, Conni-with-E's special weiner

here to invite you HERE WITH US to spend a Very Special Holiday here in New Jersey! 

YOU GET OUTTA HERE cuz seriously you're

ALL INVITED: Just bring my special

Santa Bag full of dog biscuits, Christmas treats, Chanukkah

treats, Kwaanza treats, New Year treats, and presents to stock

the stuffin' outta our stockin's ya know?

So, meet me: LJ, Count YumYum and the Pigulas'

East Coast familia...we do things a little different

around here, ya know? Like...if you even TRY TO EAT ONE SLICE OF AUTHENTIC NEW YORK ITALIAN PIZZA WITH A FORK LIKE DONALD TRUMP DID -

"WHAT, MOM? 

oh.

"Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a puppy..."

"BETTER, MOM? GOOD! WHEW, NEARLY BLEW IT, NOT USED TO BLOGGIN' AND..."

"Yeah, so they lived happily ever after with all their presents. Merry Christmas, Yo! Yo! Yo!"

love ya's baby,

YO! YO! HO!

"lil'LJ-Cool-J"


p.s. My ConniE-mOm mebbe don't KNOW about this invitation, so how 'bout keepin' it on the "down low" JUST SHOW UP WITH PIZZA! 

LOVE LETTER TO FAIRY: I WOULD DO THIS FOR YOU...

Dear Fairy,
FIRST THINGS FIRST...We are still laughing and watching the "Shovel Man" YouTube especially the part about the swing set! What a great Dad he would make!!! (Yes, we guessed he's yours, SO please stay away from the
swings!!!) LA-LA-LA, readers not "in the know" Fairy has her own YouTube
Channel and you must watch it! You will laugh and cry at the same time!
SECOND: IS THAT YOUR COTTAGE THE SHOVEL-MAN CAME OUT OF? IT LOOKS LIKE FAIRIES AND ELVES LIVE THERE!
NO WONDER YOU WANT ME TO COME LIVE WITH YOU...WE LOVED IT
AND THE ONLY PROBLEM is that you know my brother Raj acts all tough and
special and such a food-snitcher he is! But - when mum takes me for a comb-out and nail trim, he squeals like the CavyApocolypse has arrived because for all his
macho swagger, he misses me too much! So...we would all have to come to your beautiful thatched cottage which looked quite roomy to us!

HOWEVER, I wondered if you would allow me to demonstrate my love for you by fixing our place up,
first to wipe the "Please Enter, Fairy" special owl rug.

So far, so good...FAIRY LOOK! A HALO ABOVE MY HEAD BECAUSE OUR MATCH WAS MADE IN HEAVEN!

Next...oH My, what a stretch to make sure no cobwebs
or anything on the ceiling. See how much I care, Fairy, leaving no detail unattended to? This is love in action.

The reason my door is so small is to keep out the riff-raff, if ya know what I mean (my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother.) But! I need to be able to carry you across the threshold, so some threshold widening is in order here...nom-nom-nom, not to mention that this type of Beaver work keeps my chomper teeth nice, short, trim and white! 
Just what the dentist ordered! My oral hygiene is second to none!

Yes, Fairy, this is just the outside and we still need a good paint job so mum said she'd paint a mural of your SecretFairyGarden inside and out, since she just sold a painting at the Gallery! You will feel so "at home!" here, so welcome and deeply loved, pampered...
Oh, Fairy!  Mum ORDERED me to stop lying as much as she does...NO ONE could do a better job of caring for you than your mum and her shovel-man. We look at your blog and your emails and your YouTubes NOT TO MENTION the "Magic Fairy Box" from Lincolnshire!
Then we look at OUR MUM...Squeeee! (help us)

OH FAIRY, PRECIOUS WONDER, look at me now! All disheveled, and now I do understand why a bath can be VITAL to CavyCourtship...
Unfortunately for me, right when I really do want one, mum is down with her migraine again because she had way too much fun at the Gallery last night! She saw a lot of friends she doesn't see in the summer because if they work at our Farmer's Market on Saturday they have to get ready on Friday and can't come but now that winter is upon us they did come and mum was quite the social butterfly in her swishy skirt and cowboy boots. She teaches us good manners by example, to wit: Rick, the owner, always tries to place her where she won't
"block the flow of traffic" sitting in her walker so she glares at him menacingly whenever he is near. (Isn't that what you are supposed to do? She says it IS!) At one point he was very close doing some last-minute touching up and pointed a pair of long, sharp scissors at her, to which she calmly replied: "You come near me with those and I will circumcise you so fast!" to which he came no closer in stunned SILENCE! (Not that statements like that have anything to do with her "Trouble" nick-name of course.)
But the MOST fun was the Irish drummer (there's always FAB MUSIC!) on the stage in front because Fairy, it turned out people there actually knew Irish dance and gathered 'round him hopping and foot-swiveling and going straight up into the air like
helicopters while he sang Irish songs to the beat of his own hand-made drum and it was SO MUCH FUN mum now has a migraine but it's a HAPPY HEADACHE!


Fairy, I just wanted an opportunity to demonstrate how handy I could be around OUR house, although it does appear that I need a bath, yet while mum nurses her headache (and cannot bathe me, Wahhh...) the rest of us will continue watching your YouTubes over and over! They are fairy-funny and once mum's headache surrenders, she promised to help me respond to your emails because I can hardly wait!!!
Sincerely,
Mr. HandyPig

WELCOME TO THE POST PAGE WHERE NOTHING MAKES SENSE...JUST SO YOU KNOW IT ISN'T YOU!

Sometimes when mom doesn't have the energy to do all the work necessary to tuck us in she posts a lot of jibberish as if that will magically clean our cages, offer Bedtime Runabouts so we can sleep, refill our food bowls, wash and refill our water bottles, spot clean wet spots on our cages, replace wet or soiled cuddle cups, sleeping bags, and tunnels with dry ones, snuggle with us, and fill our hay bins to overflowing...going to bed is the commencement of a tremendous amount of work when mom is actually most exhausted because if she does it earlier we wheek all night for re-fills on what we already ate that was designated specifically to sustain us through the long, dark nights of Winter.

So, mom just lies down and blogs crazy jibberish.

Yeah, THAT'S GONNA do it for us...now she has run out of "Crazy" and needs to go to bed for Art Friday, so let the "tucking in" COMMENCE!

GODSPEED, MOM, we know you're exhausted and don't feel well.
We feel your pain. Seriously. No, that is not laughter you here
in the background...please, it's so easy, just
FEED US NOW!
Thank you.

"As The Second Key Turns..."

Not one to be upstaged by a herd-mate,
YumYum has been sending Secret Messages to Millie Bea
asking her to please:
1. Forgive him for ever letting her find out he was going for a two-for-one deal on CavyGirls
EDITOR: RE-WRITE, RE-WRITE, RE-WRITE!
1. (Take Two) Forgive him for ever considering anyone but her, ever, for which he has repented and now attends a daily Twelve Step-group for Cavy Infidels.
EDITOR: YUM-YUM, AN INFIDEL YOU MAY BE, BUT THE TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM YOU IN IS FOR INFIDELITY!
2. Humbled by his wrong-doing, Yum-Yum is now ready to send his lovely Millie Bea a garland of pomegranates as a love-display
EDITOR: YUM-YUM, THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF GARLANDS THAT CONVEY CONTRITION AND LOVE, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THE POMEGRANATE ONE IS BEST WORN ON A GORILLA? OF COURSE YOU ONLY KNOW THEM AS TASTY MORSELS BUT, TRUST ME, SHE WOULD FIND A GARLAND OF CHOPPED YELLOW, RED, AND GREEN PEPPERS FAR MORE ROMANTIC...
3. Yum-Yum expresses contrition, regret, lamentation (of Biblical proportion) anguish, heartbreak, guilt, remorse,
self-condemnation, self-reproach, apologetic, penitent, ashamed, rueful, shamefaced, self-effacing, supplicating, conciliatory, and grievous pangs of hunger NO, NOT THAT, ummmm, we're talking about my man-feelings, well, everything up there, MillieBea, look, I'm a swaggering Buccaneer, Pirate, Untamed Wild-Pig on the lookout for an untamed SHREW to call my Very Own and You clearly fit the bill...

Millie Bea, will you be mine?

Say you'll be mine...

(Before Raj steals the show with Fairy!)
Thank you.

YumYum, le terrible
AND PROUD OF -

"As The Key Turns: Wedding Planner Stunned by Phase!"

As we last left you, we were still negotiating Raj's personal hygiene habits...meanwhile, CocoNutPie, our only femme fatale, both nominated and voted herself in as official "wedding planner" quite ambitiously, considering the condition of Raj's bum today...

But you know how Femme-Fattles are, always surprising with their fattle-wiles! CocoNutPie is under the impression that "wedding fascinators" are a foreign delicacy savored at Royal Cavy Weddings
and...i'm sorry...can't rat out me wife, mates...

MacNutPie, you can really be a wuss, no offense, when it comes to popcorning on eggshells with your wife! So, here's the scoop, mum loved the original "Star Trek" series as a child and had a crush on Captain Kirk and CoconutPie feels deprived as a child since she never had a CavyBarbie doll, so...

Ah, you've ALL MUDDLED UP THE STORY! LISTEN, I AM AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE OFFICIAL BLOGSTER HERE, YA, YUM-YUM, THAT'S RIGHT, SO HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN WHILE MOM WAS (NOT) AT THE PRINTER.
WHY SHOULD SHE BE? THE BIG HOLIDAY ART EXTRAVAGANZA ISN'T UNTIL TOMORROW!!!!
WHY BE PREPARED?

Where was I? Coconut Pie swiped mom's credit card to order a few hundred of her favorite British Fascinator Barbies as "party favors" to go 'round the Royal Wedding Cake when mom noticed that her credit card was missing and started whining. Little Calvin, darlin' that he is, snitched to mom but - knowing she loved Captain Kirk so much as a wee mom that she would wait until both her own
parents were asleep before sneaking stealthily into the den to secretly watch "Star Trek" because it was on WAY
PAST wee-mom's bedtime -

Taj Mahal here to wrap it all up in a bun for ya, since this co-operative blogging reads less tasty than our own cophrogenic poos > mom got the crew of the Starship Enterprise (circa 1960's) to phaser anyone who went near a fascinator Barbie and offered a reward to whomever amongst us found her credit card! Of course it'twas Calvin...AND! SQUEEEEE!!!!! We have- for a second time-DOUBLE- SQUEE!! !become the fortunate recipients of yet another GENEROUS- SURPRISE Sanctuary Donation, Calvin used his reward to order two new tunnels and a hut ALL HIS VERY OWN! Although, generous lil'Precious that he is, we know Calvin will share his sleep- tunnels with us AND Auntie Jen promised to use her custom Princess Bea Fascinator fabric! Which leads us to wonder? (and lie: We took Jen's fame in vain...)

Pip-pip if any of this made sense to you...please see an aesthetician immediately!

 

Don't even THINK ABOUT IT!

Princess Beatrice Intervenes

Raj, darling, it's me, Bea...not Millie Bea, silly, PRINCESS BEA OF Millinery Fame!
Darling, I've seen my share of bad bums, believe me, with these hats, I attract them!
Which places me in a particularly special position to help you get your lady, particularly since she's from This Side of The Pond...Look, let's have tea and cucumber sandwiches
on Friday at 4...say, Harrod's? NOBODY will see us there! Don't give up on Fairy
yet just because of you're an American PiratePig:  Even Fairy Princesses want their mates viral, strong, handsome, charming, lovely in that manly, bad-boy way, we just have to
refine a few details is all, so is it a date then, darling? Shall I see you then?
What? Have Harrots shave the cucumber, don't you care for the skin?
Well, THAT'S OUR FIRST CLUE THEN, NOT CARING FOR THE SKIN.
Until Friday, Ta-Ta, Pip-Pip, off you go now...
(OMG! HOPE THE TABLOIDS DON'T GET WIND OF THIS.)

The Village Playground - YouTube

The Village Playground - YouTube
^^^WARNING: SPEW ALERT HIGH!
We already guessed who the Shovel
man of Appleby was before Fairy leaked

his secret identity, and I, Raj, shall appeal to him for a Shovel'Ntervention

since I am not a GrovelingPig, no, not
at all: don't hate me because I'm beautiful.


What is a bath, actually? Even mom -


"Raj, sweetie, whatcha doin' hon?"


"BLOODY OWL HORK! Now I must tell a fib and it comes so UNnaturally
to me: Nothing, mom, just um, not much, sitting idly, inactive, inert, motionless, unoccupied, gathering
dust, to tell you the truth!"


"Awww, Sweetie, see now THAT'S REALLY NICE, using those unwashed tailfeathers of yours as a duster so I can get more rest...you're the Best Pig Ever!"


"Thanks, mom, you know we do all we can to help YOU OUT around here."


"And that is why I love you. Back to
my nap, before you know it 'twill be
First Friday ART GALLERY HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA and 
Lord knows I need my beauty rest..."


"Mom, is your art ready then? Ahead of time? Have you practiced that "art of preparedness, the most practical of all the practices of Art?"


ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................

"As the Key Turns, Episode 2"

My own true love is demanding my bum be freshly done before she will even consider my Magic Carrot proposal...I'm an American cavy, we don't have manners, if we had manners, would we have thrown all that wunnerful tea off the Tea Party Ship in Boston?
Of course not! Methinks cultural and social differences need be moderated...hmmm, who to do it? Who? Who? Must think.Ommmmmmmmm....

(At least for now, having taken Eeyore's advice, I am hiding so Fairy can't even SEE my bum whilst I ponder.)

She looks pretty happy in hers...hmmm.

We have heard rumors from the Garden Elves of a
Shovel-Man who appears magically in one
of Fairy's videos on YouTube...
Perhaps HE WOULD be able to help,
'im bein' a bloke and all that.

Will you all Join me, please, to the tune of
"Have You Seen the Muffin Man" my version
called "Have You Seen the Shovel Man Who Lives in
A-Pel-Beeeee?"

{Portrait of Fairy in her bath swiped, of course,
without permission}...and the "Shovel Man of Appleby" can be seen using a link from Fairy's blog.
Please Appleal to him on my behalf of my American bum...many gracious thanks!

P.S. yes, mom really IS offline, she let me write this
up real quick now the Clamshell is SHUT again...so please don't let that discourage you.
It shall re-open!

Just a Wee Bitty Barn Owlet but Even I Know About PIP!

My name is, uh, well, I am just a wild baby owlet in an owl box with a camera but wonder wide-eyed how guinea pigs can suffer such ennui when all we do is play, sleep, eat, and practice hopping and flapping our wings ...Perhaps you love-lorn guinea pigs might need to practice hopping and flapping you wings, too. We are always listening to the garden hedgehogs laugh...they say "Yeah, when Pigs Fly!" You mean...you CAN'T?

AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR: CAVY-CARROTS-FOR-LOVERS, INC!

Something is missing from my life...

I wonder what it is as I wander in search of what I wonder about...

I dream of what my life is missing, even with my eyes open, exspecially with my eyes open, so if it comes, I won't miss it! Even my dreams are lonely...

I know what he's missing, but I ain't tellin' cuz me gots me my lady and my big, fat belly, and one HAPPY PIG is this NutPie!

Are you in here? Hello? Hello? Where are you?

Would someone please help me out?

See? Can I even eat, I ask you? Can I even eat? In Canada, you know what they would call this? They would say: "Eh, look at him! He's got "the pip!" 

Well, if he left his "pip" in my favorite snowflake hut, I'll give his pip what for! Spreadin' his pip like an infectious disease...we all know what "it" is but him!

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR,
FAIRY-GROWERS OF THE SECRET GARDEN.
GOT "THE PIP?" WE PLANT MAGIC IN YOUR GARDEN, A SURE-CURE FOR PIPPIN' WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN GET YOUR POPCORN ON!

OUR LOVE CARROT: Universal Symbol of True Love BETWEEN CAVIES TOO DEMURE, SHY, OR DISCOMBUMBULATED TO SAY TO THE OTHER...

FAIRY, IT'S TRUE! THE MAGIC CARROT FROM THE SECRET GARDEN...

WILL YOU BE MINE?
I WANT TO SHARE MY CARROT WITH YOU AND SHARE MY HUT WITH YOU AND SHARE MY LIFE WITH YOU.
I WOULD EVEN BATHE FOR YOU...

HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!
HO!HEE-HO-HA-TOO FUNNY!
"I would even bathe for you!"
"Ah, no worries, mates, she'll never fall for it! She's a magic one, knows all the tricks o'the trade THAT GIRL DOES!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next episode of "As the Key Turns" brought to you by Cavy-Carrots-for Lovers, Inc.
Stay tuned...will Raj find Fairy receptive to his orangy overtures?
Will Fairy forgive Raj for being a cavy who refuses to take a bath?
Will they reach Perestroika?
STAY TUNED! 

THERE IS SUCH A THING AS "FAIRY MAGIC!"

Just in case you are wondering, Fairy is already
considered a card-carrying, Royal member of our
Herd of Pirates, Robbers, and Ne'er-Do-Wells,
for she and CoconutPie are bringing
real "GIRL POWER" to tame the outlaws
who shamelessly snitch one another's treats,
snitch Fairy's photographs, snitch mom's salad by
getting to it before she can and dragging it away to
their secret lairs (actually the Snowflake Hut in
GuineaElfVillage) and what, you ask, is the
point of this? (Particularly you new readers
who still expect a point! Tsk! Tsk! for YOU!)

Well, mom had a very bad row with The Migraine
recently! She threw every trick in the book at
it and nothing, by which we mean NO. THING.
WORKED!

Which cut in on our time, ya know? Like, all the fun
things we look forward to doing aren't going to
happen by THEMSELVES, HELLO!

Yesterday, Edwin came to bring us a fresh, apple pie for
Thanksgiving since all mom ate was a few slices of
tofurkey and first she cut off the mold! Then ate the
rest...can you say EEEEEEWWWWW GROSS?

That is when we realized The Migraine had gotten the best of her.

Edwin, bored watching mom languish in her sickbed like a Hollywood diva in a tragic film, decided to march out the door
for a way-cool haircut, an entire bag of fresh, organic veggies for
us, and mom gave him the key to her P.O. Box with explicit
instructions for him to open the Box, find another key, then
go to another box with the other key and unlock THAT BOX
wherein the Miracle waited, she was sure of it!

Edwin soldiered out into the dark night and obediently did what
he was told...of course, when he found that there really WAS a
magic key in her P.O. Box a phone call ensued:
"Chana, there's a KEY in your box! What do you want me to do with it?" He did not know because he is such a good listener!

"I already told you, take the key that is in the box you opened with the other key to another box and open THAT box with the new key and see if there is a MIRACLE IN IT AND THEN BRING
IT HOME TO US IMMEDIATELY!"

"What?"

"What WHAT?"

"Do WHAT?"

"I just TOLD YOU WHAT!"

"What other box?"

"The lockers where they put the packages!"

"Where are they?"

"To your right as you leave the lobby."

"But there's a number on the key...what do I do with THAT?"

"Use they Key to open the Box with THAT NUMBER!"

"Where is it?"

"Where is what?"

"Oh, nevermind."

Ring-ring!

"Edwin?"

"The door to the box opened and a package is inside.
What am I supposed to do with it?"

"Is it from Great Britain?"

"Uh...well...there's a crown, and lots of stickers...and...

"THAT'S IT! PLEASE BRING IT, DON'T LET IT GET WET."

"What am I supposed to do with the key?"

"It will automatically stick in when you close the door."

"Really? How's that work?"

"Please stop talking, cover the package so it doesn't get wet, and bring it back as soon as possible. We have been waiting and are so excited, just hurry and don't let it get wet! Thanks."

"What do I do with the - "

ZZZZZzzzzzz.........................!

So, Edwin brought the Magic Package. It was a surprise from Fairy!
It was supposed to bring Fairy Magic...but...would it,
would it really?"

Stay tuned for: "As The Key Turns" to be continued...

(P.S. no headache today...just sayin')

IS RAJ A PEEPING-PIG?!

Precious Fairy, you are SO BEAUTIFUL, how can you deny
me even a tiny peep...please think this through...O.K. you've
had enough time, may I peak since you know I love you?

Look, Fairy, mom combed the coronet crowning the top
of my head just for you and we got our nail trims
yesterday, but what's this wonderful foot lotion
you have there?
"MOM! WE NEEDZ YOU! WHY WE
DON'T GET FOOT RUBS WITH FAIRY'S
WONDERFUL FOOT LOTION?"

(you have to actually see Fairy's ENTIRE post,
it will SO DELIGHT AND INSPIRE!)

"Raj, darling, would you actually take a bath
first, because that is what Fairy does..."

no.

{And yet another stunning photograph of Fairy swiped without
permission by the Piracy Banditos of PandasPigSanctuary:
No scruples, none! Not now, not ever, NEVER!}

You can catch Fairy taking her spa by clicking on her blog
link posted to your right! Unless you live in
New Zealand, in which case it would be to...your...duh...hmmm.